Monday, January 16, 2012

Is Marriage Obsolete?

A few days ago I saw a link on facebook for this article on BlogHer about marriage becoming obsolete. You can see it here. It was basically a book review on The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow. Now, I was interested in the book review and what the author had to say, but something that really struck me was the following response in the comments.

you can see sovanheest's profile HERE

It never fails to disappoint me when I hear of another celebrity marriage that is ending in divorce for 'irreconcilable differences'. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries divorcing after 72 days? (*Note* I am not, nor will I ever be, a fan of anything Kardashian related- they are famous for being infamous) Seriously? 72 days? Did you EVEN try to work things out? Or how about Katy Perry and Russell Brand divorcing after 14 months of marriage? It boggles my mind. And honestly, it breaks my heart when I hear of any marriage dissolving, whatever the reason, 'irreconcilable differences' or worse, infidelity (that could be a blog post on it's own), it just plain SUCKS that those 2 people felt like they could no longer see their spouse as a partner, but rather, the enemy.

The conversation that sovanheest mentions in her response rings true for everyone. We all think "That will never be us. We're SO in love!" But there are days that you do wonder "Who is this person?", "What have I done?". And I firmly believe that if any married person denies this, you are 100% lying to yourself and your spouse. We get so caught up in wedding planning, the honeymoon stage, and the perfect 'white picket fence' imagery we've had since childhood. Let me just tell you, NO marriage is perfect. I don't understand why people pretend that marriage is easy, and that everything is perfect. I'm not saying we all need to air our dirty laundry and throw our spouses under the bus, but there's gotta be a middle ground somewhere.

Why wasn't it until after we got married that we heard the "Oh... the first year is always the hardest..."?! WTF? Why didn't someone tell me this BEFORE I got married? Then I wouldn't have felt like such a beast when I was upset about something Diz did (and likewise for him, I'm no peach either, HA!).

But you know what?
it's normal.
And everyone goes through it.
and the marriages that survive are because they've chosen commitment.
They remember the vows they spoke on their wedding day.
and they choose to hold to those vows.

What I don't understand is why people give up so easily?
Why don't people TRY when things get rough?
Isn't that what marriage is about? Having a partner there to go through the rough stuff with you?
I know Sundance and I's marriage has only been made stronger by all the challenges we have faced.
That being said, I know we'll have a long marriage full of challenges.
But I know he's got my back and I've got his.
And sometimes we'll be mad at each other, and frustrated, and upset.
But we will also love, and laugh at each other, and continue learning how to make marriage work. TOGETHER.

I know this is not the typical type of blog post for me... forgive me for ranting.
but... it's my blog. and I get to say what I want. ;)

What's the best marriage advice you recieved before getting married?
What if someone had a candid conversation with you before getting married like the one sovanheest mentioned?
What would your response have been?


  1. I am SO GLAD you shared this! It's so true! No one told us that our first year would be so hard, so we thought we were failures and doomed to disaster when we fought. But Jason and I are totally committed to each other so we stuck it through and have been so thankful for the growth we received during that time. Come to find out later ALL of our friends had a terrible first year. It's comforting to know that others struggle as well, and that commitment is the key to working through it and coming out better and stronger.

    LOVE this post. Thanks for sharing. :)

  2. My husband and I were together five years before we got married and lived together for 6 months before we got married and I can still say that the first year was the hardest, relationship questioning yeart! Which I found completing surprising. I think the magnitude of the commitment makes everything more intense and important that first year and there is a perception that it should be a rainbow filled year. I completely agree with you.. I just don't understand the lack of grit and determination to actually work on things in marriage! We are going on four years of marriage and things are pretty dang good but it took work to get here, u can make those determinations after a year of marriage. And honestly I think love is about fighting for your partner and to find how to be the best "us". It baffles me that people can just walk away and move on. My hubs is my heart! Ok, my rant is over now. :)

  3. This is a great post Ash! I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this and while I am not married I could not agree more with everything you said. I absolutely love and admire how honest you are. So many people sugar coat that honesty and it is nice to hear a real perspective.

  4. I love your's so true. All marriages - including mine - have their ups and downs and times when you kind of forget what you are fighting for. But as long as both are committed and you both want to fight for your marriage - anyone can make it least longer than 72 days! (And I'm a total kardashian fan..haha ) I remember I was talking to my mom when my husband and I were going through some problems and I was so unhappy and seriously wondering what I was fighting for anymore - and my mom just plainly said "sounds like marriage" - and that was all it took to wake me up from my selfish know what - that is marriage! LOL

    I read an article talking about divorce and they followed a few couples that came in for counseling - and the ones that choose to stay married were all happily married 5 years later. Whereas the ones that decided to get divorced - were still unhappy 5 years later. I love this cause it reminds me that every day in marriage isn't like your honeymoon - and you just have to ride through the waves to get to the beach!

    Thanks for the awesome post - I love your honesty!

  5. The best marriage advice I got was from my own husband. He asked me before we got married "if nothing changed for the rest of our lives would you be happy with where we are right now?" That really made me think. The reasoning behind it was that we can't guarantee that one of us will change something about ourselves that the other has a problem with. If we never changed could we still be happy and in love?
    Marriage is WORK, and it is a wonderful work, but it can also suck too. It goes through phases and you have to make sure that you communicate and COMPROMISE. Give a little get a little. I think that compromise is one of the number 1 things that has kept my marriage happy & healthy.
    Loved this post!

  6. Yes. Marriage. I too get so sad when I hear about divorce and separation. To me, it feels just like someone died. When things are going rough and bumpy I have found that rather than finding the things in Dallas that are annoying or frustrating- I try to look at myself and find what is annoying or frustrating. I have found in the last 8 1/2 years that usually if I change myself that it solves the problem.

    A mutual understanding that this is it- there is no "out" is vitally important.

    The best advice I was ever given was "Life separate lives, but live them together." It took me awhile to figure this out, but it is pretty much mine and Dallas' motto. We've learned that he doesn't ALWAYS love what I want to do, and I don't ALWAYS love what he wants to do. It's okay if I have a night out and see a play by myself, and if he calls a friend to go to the gun range instead of taking me. Sometimes we do it together (which is nice) but it's also nice to know that you aren't just dragging someone along either. It's ok to have time to yourself in a marriage.

    I feel like I had lots of these conversations before I got married (mostly because my parents were trying to talk me out of it!), so I felt pretty well prepared. It wasn't until the "later years" in our marriage that we looked back at our first couple of years and went "Wow. That was hard. Glad that's over!"

    At this point, our lives are so entwined that I can't even imagine being separated from him. It's a good thing.

  7. OMG. I love this post! SO SO TRUE! Even though you've created a relationship with your spouse and you 'think' you know them. There is still SO much uncharted territory. There are hundreds of scenarios and situations that you have not yet experienced together. Life changes, constantly and you have to adapt! I think people just get wrapped up in being 'in love' and living in the moment, that they forget they are actually making a commitment to live with and love another human being that has just as many flaws as they do. As far as celebrities go...I'm convinced they have no values, and do it all for publicity. There is really nothing else than explains being married for 72 hours. That's just f-ing dumb.

  8. My grandmother told me that you chose to be married. And some days it is harder to make that choice than others, but every day we have that choice. I think about that every morning I put on my wedding rings as I slip them on I think "No matter what tomorrow brings, today I choose to be married to Adam." Now, that being said, there have been a few mornings when I thought, "Nope. Not choosing that today." But then I remember how I chose that yesterday and the day before, and for several days years ago. It gives me some perspective to say, I'm mad at him, not at my choice to marry to him.

  9. I truly love this post. THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS! So MANY people need to be more honest, that marriage is the best and hardest choice you will ever make. Brandon and I found out we were pregnant three weeks into our engagement. DRAMA! Some mean people said to my face or behind my back that this wasn't going to last. Others would say WE were too young, or too stupid, blah blah blah... and you know they were right, about a few things, we were young and stupid but they were WRONG about it lasting, because give me your worst and we will make it through at our best! We are MAKING it last, it's not like it's a game of freaking chance people! I couldn't love Brandon more and yet I have never been so tempted to set a human on fire like I am with him... that's what you call marriage (ok, maybe I am the only one who wants to set husbands on fire...). You give it your all, you work your ass off together and for each other, you pick up the slack when the other is down, you have a best friend and the only person who truly knows, and in your lowest of lows, they might be the only one who can lift you up. I wouldn't trade the world for the relationship I have with my husband! NOT because it's perfect, that just kinda makes me laugh, but because we are fiercely dedicated to each other AND to our two beautiful kids. Nothing and no one else matters above that.
    I find myself talking a lot about marriages to other people. Some people just dont get it and it breaks my heart. I have a few friends who marriages are ending,and it may sound judgemental but I have hears the ins and outs of it till I want to scream and they only thing I can say to them is, there is no good reason for it to be over, of course there is good reason for hurt or anger but not to call it quits. I am a BIG believer in marriage and honoring your commitments and giving your all. But maybe I am just lucky? Because I know that all my dedication wouldn't work if I didn't have Brandon to be just as dedicated as I am.
    Thanks a lot Ash, you put into words a lot of what I have been trying to say!

  10. I love this post - I didn't find it ranty at all - it's the truth! And I will tell you - if you think the first year of being married is hard - wait until the first year after you have your first child. Wowza! But, in the end, it's worth it. I loved the comment from another reader - her husband asked her if nothing changed ever would she still be happy - that is BRILLIANT! It's been my personal experience that the couples who try to portray this perfect relationship/life are usually the ones who are the least happy. I think it's perfectly normal to fight, disagree and then come to a resolution - it's life, how boring would it be if you agreed with your spouse about EVERYTHING! Nice job on this post - it's an interesting topic for sure!

  11. I truly love this post. Thank you for writing it.

    I have been married for four years now, and they have not all been easy. This post reminds me how much I do love my husband and how while it would have been so much easier to give up a lot of the times, I am glad we DIDN'T.

  12. I think it's because people just don't have much introspection anymore, and we're all about the QUICK convenient fix. Marriage is hard, and it's a journey just like life. It's meant to have times when you question it (I think) but that's how you become stronger as a pair.

  13. although, I also want to add that I agree with the option of divorce.....b/c sometimes people pick the wrong person. It was a Godsend when my parents split up, as my father was toxic to both my mother and us.